I’ll admit it, I’m really scared

I’ll admit it, I’m really scared

So much has happened and is happening this week – and it’s only Tuesday!

Yesterday I had my first appointment with my Oncologist who is just amazing already. She’s so calm and caring and genuine – she works with young mums like me a lot.

Just as a side note, when I was pregnant at 34 and 36 I was considered a ‘mature mother’ by the medical profession but now I have cancer at 37, I’m considered a ‘young mother’!  Yes that’s possibly the only benefit to having cancer but I’m taking it!

I'll admit it, I'm really scared - lovefrommim.com Triple Negative Breast Cancer Diagnosis Chemotherapy Radiotherapy Young Mum with Breast Cancer

Image Source: Pixabay

Did you notice I said ‘I have cancer’?  It’s a bit weird really.  So I’ve had my lumpectomy to remove the cancer and I got ‘clear margins’ which means they got it all.

I also had a clear lymph node biopsy, clear CT and bone scans so as far as we know, I’m cancer free.  However, I have Triple Negative breast cancer which is the worst kind there is – it’s very fast-growing and it’s aggressive.

We have to be sure that the cells didn’t secretly spread.

Unfortunately, despite ongoing research, there is no targeted treatment available for this form of cancer.  This is really hard for me to deal with, especially when people now assume the hard bit is all over.  It isn’t.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ll be having chemotherapy and radiotherapy.  The chemo starts next week.  I’ll have it for 6 months, then a months rest and then radiotherapy.

Whilst there is no targeted treatment, the hope is that the chemo will ‘mop up’ any microscopic cancer cells that attempted to make a break for freedom and are floating somewhere around my body.

There is no guarantee that it will work but it increases my chances of anything else being stopped in its tracks.

Whilst I don’t want this post to be dismal and depressing, I do want to be honest and honestly, I’m really scared.

When I got my diagnosis, my life flashed before my eyes – but not in the way you might think.  What I actually started to imagine was the life I wouldn’t have – seeing my kids grow up, growing old with my husband, you know, ‘happy’ thoughts like that.

It’s all too easy for me to go down the dark path of thinking the worst – which is what I did that day I got my diagnosis – well anyone would!  That happened again yesterday and today and I stupidly started googling Triple Negative Breast Cancer again.  Stupid stupid mistake and I won’t be doing that again!

So it’s a busy week.  I’m seeing a Psychologist to chat about it all – I’ve decided it’s a positive thing for me to take any support offered and my Oncologist offered it to me.  I’m also having a procedure at the hospital to have a port put into my chest which is where the chemo drugs will then go into.  It will be there for the entire duration of the treatment but will save my other veins the trauma of being constantly poked and prodded.

A cardiovascular surgeon will do it under a general anaesthetic – bit scared about being put under again.

Then chemo starts next week.  I won’t go into details of the chemo in this post, I’ll write separately about it just for those interested in the specifics of that.  Anyone who isn’t interest in the details can just skip it that way :)

I’m planning on trying the cold cap during treatment (it freezes your scalp) in the hope that it prevents too much hair loss but I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I’m going to lose my hair.

That said, if one more person tells me ‘it’s just hair’ then I’ll smack them in the chops.  It isn’t just hair – it’s MY hair – don’t be so flippant.

I know, I know – people don’t know what to say for the best.  Just try not to say that to someone who is actually the one losing the hair and racking their brains for how to tell their 2 year old daughter why mummy’s hair is falling out. DO offer sympathy though – and distraction.  And chocolate.

Right I think that’s about enough for today.  I debated whether to post this as you’ll see I’m not quite my cheery self but I promise all is well.  I’m still going to beat this, I’m still feeling very positive.  I’m just having a wobble today.

Thank you soo sooooo much again for all of your lovely comments – I’m replying to all of them bit by bit and they’re keeping me so focused! x x



  1. 15th December 2015 / 11:11 pm

    Oh my goodness. You are so courageous for writing this. Thank you again for sharing. I know your blogs are helping many people. Not everyone comments, but I am sure there are others reading. I cannot imagine what you are going through. That is scary. Very scary. You have a right to be worried about your hair, the future of your children, and other dreams you may miss out on. Here’s to positive thinking. I am so praying for you. Take care.


    • 15th December 2015 / 11:21 pm

      Thank you so much Marcie and I really really appreciate your prayers x x

  2. 15th December 2015 / 11:17 pm

    I didn’t want to read and run, I’m right there with you. I haven’t been through Cancer but I’ve been through a trauma where people didn’t know what to say so I can sympathise. I hope you find the strength you will need.

    • 15th December 2015 / 11:22 pm

      Thank you so so much Jenny x x

  3. 15th December 2015 / 11:21 pm

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this and you have every right of being scared! It’s not an easy thing to do by any means. Can you take some last hair photos with your kids and have a fun and silly little photo shoot, then cut a lock to keep? My mum had ovarian cancer and went through chemo and radiotherapy, she’s all clear now and it seems so long ago that she had it (10 years ago), but I still remember how hard it was seeing her in hospital and not being much use as a daughter. She on the other hand seemed very brave and just got on with it, Not sure how much use that is to you, but 10 years on it all seems like a distant memory. Big hugs for you! :) xx

    • 15th December 2015 / 11:24 pm

      Oh thank you so so much and the photos are an amazingly brilliant idea! I hadn’t even thought of doing that but I definitely will this week :) thank you lovely and I’m so happy to hear that about your wonderful mummy! x

  4. 15th December 2015 / 11:25 pm

    Ah mim you are doing so well and you are so strong. I’m amazed by how well you are handling it all! Of course you are scared it would be weird if you weren’t so don’t beat yourself up about that of for not feeling cheery. Heck I don’t feel cheery every day and I don’t have cancer. Good news about the lumpectomy etc and sounds like a good plan to have the chemo to make sure it hasn’t spread. I’m sure it won’t be nice but worth it hopefully. I am keeping everything crossed for you and will be keeping up with your progress. Hugs lovely xx

    • 15th December 2015 / 11:26 pm

      Oh thank you so so much Caroline I really appreciate that!! x

  5. Another Bun
    16th December 2015 / 12:17 am

    You wobble all you like lovely – you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel some fear as to what was ahead. I don’t know how long your hair is at the moment, but I recently donated mine to charity. Could you do something similar with yours before your treatment starts?

    • 18th December 2015 / 10:55 pm

      Thank you lovely! Mines only a bob now so I don’t think it would be long enough but that is an amazing thing to do! x

  6. 16th December 2015 / 3:18 am

    Oh Mim, Mim, Mim. I hate this for you. I have those dark thoughts and my illness isn’t anyway near as scary as yours. I think it’s right to acknowledge those feelings and seeing a therapist will be such a good thing. You won’t have to keep this things in so that you don’t worry your husband or friends. Cry, scream and son and work through this and you will bloody beat it. Surely, when someone has this shitty horrible type of cancer, your results have to be the best you can get which is brilliant. I wish you didn’t have to have chemo but knowing that it will be doing you some good should hopefully help you through the side effects. Rest and don’t try to be super human.
    Big big hugs xxxx

    • 18th December 2015 / 11:07 pm

      Thank you SO much lovely and you are totally right! As far as I know and can hope, I’ve already beaten the cancer and this treatment is just a precaution – I WILL get through it and I’ll be even stronger for it :) x x

  7. 16th December 2015 / 8:37 am

    You have every reason and right to be scared….You are amazing and are handling everything so well! Sending massive hugs and lots of love! Good luck with the Chemo x

    • 18th December 2015 / 11:04 pm

      Thank you so so much lovely! x x

  8. 16th December 2015 / 8:55 am

    Hi Mim. I think you’re amazing and I can totally understand that you’re scared shitless!
    I just wanted to tell you about my two pals in their thirties who have both been through all of the gubbins with breast cancer and have come out the other side fighting fit! My mum did the very same last year! I just wanted you to hear some positive stories.
    Stay away from the feckin Internet…its poison. And as someone who has lost half the hair on her head over the last year, I can totally understand why you are freaked out about it. Hair is such a big deal to us women. One of my pals with cancer got an amazing wig but the other embraced the loss and showed her bald head off to the world. Every one decides how to deal with it as they want.
    You’ll make your choice and you may not even lose it at all!
    As my mum said ‘cross each bridge one at a time’. Surround yourself with people who love you and who can help get you through it. And I think that it’s great to talk to a therapist about it as my mum didn’t and I felt she bottled all of her fears up as she didn’t want to worry anyone.
    Let it all out! It’s far healthier!
    You are one heck of a woman and you’ll be just dandy! If my mum and my pals can do it, then so can you!x

    • 18th December 2015 / 11:04 pm

      Oh you are just bloody awesome and thank you so so so much for the positive stories and the encouragement – you’ve made my day :) I can do this and I’m going to be fine. This time next year I’m going to be fitter, stronger and healthier than ever and it can’t come soon enough :) thank you lovely lovely lady and your friends and mum are awesome too! x x x

  9. Robyn
    16th December 2015 / 9:23 am

    Best of luck for the procedures and appointments coming up, it really sounds like you’re getting fabulous care and support. I don’t think you should feel in two minds about posting anything that’s a real reflection of your experience, even the wobbly days. We’re with you in spirit through these posts about cancer.

    • 18th December 2015 / 10:58 pm

      Robyn you are wonderful, thank you so so much x x

  10. 16th December 2015 / 9:31 am

    Hi, just wanted to say thank you for posting. I found out last week that a very close family member has breast cancer so am very interested in your journey. I wish you the best of luck x

    • 18th December 2015 / 10:57 pm

      Thank you so much Jade and I’m sending so many positive thoughts to your relative x x

  11. 16th December 2015 / 4:10 pm

    All the best Mim, you might actually be surprised how well your 2 year old acts, my almost 3 had surgery a few weeks ago, and he made me so proud, he handled everything (including the fasting) surprisingly well, we where in HDU overnight (4 bed monitored bay) and he acted more mature than the 6 year old opposite him.

    It is a difficult situation, which is made worse by people sometimes trying to help and offer support but not knowing what exactly to say, I had Melanoma about 8 years ago, and had a mini meltdown after the third or forth person said “I know how you feel” No, you bloody don’t, I think its similar with the hair situation, yes it is only hair to a point, but their not the one thats potentially going to have it all fall out.

    Take Care of yourself, you need to rest up (as much as you can with 2 babies!!) to make sure your as healthy as you can be when the chemo attacks you.

    • 16th December 2015 / 6:36 pm

      You’re wonderful, thank you :) Ah you know exactly what I mean – and I know they just don’t know what to say, it’s got to be hard for them to know the right thing to say in this situation. Thank you lovely :) x

  12. 16th December 2015 / 6:25 pm

    Thinking of you Mim. Walking into the cancer world is an eye opener – there are so many foreign terms, treatment protocols and different specialists. I wish you all the best with your treatment x

    • 16th December 2015 / 6:34 pm

      It really is, you’re so right – thank you so so much! x

  13. 16th December 2015 / 7:02 pm

    Mim, it’s OK to be scared. My mum went through this a few years ago (granted, she was a lot older than you, but it’s still the same stupid cancer). Yes, she lost her hair, and she hated it, I would hate it, but she’s alive.
    You will get through this, the strength will come from everywhere. When you don’t feel strong enough, others will supply it for you. When you’re at your bleakest, make one of your children giggle, that can fix everything. We’ll all be sending you our strength too, you can do this xxxx

    • 16th December 2015 / 7:04 pm

      Thank you so so much lovely x x x and I’m so so happy that your mum has got the all clear – what a strong mummy :) x

  14. 16th December 2015 / 7:29 pm

    Oh my goodness – how have I missed all this? Being scared is perfectly natural, and it sounds like you have a great medical team looking after you. I had a similar port (but in my neck rather than my chest) when I was ill when Hugo was born. Uncomfortable but you get used to it – and it really is so much better than endless needles!

    I would hate to lose my hair too. But you WILL get through it. Stay strong. Hugs xxx

    • 18th December 2015 / 7:59 pm

      Ahh thank you lovely :) The port is in, I look like Frankenmim but it’s all ok ha ha! It feels pretty gross but it’s saving my veins, keep telling myself that :) x

  15. 16th December 2015 / 7:50 pm

    I think anyone who claimed they weren’t scared in your situation would be being dishonest. It is scary and I wish I had words of wisdom but taking the support you’re offered is great and no, it’s not just hair and it will be hard to explain things sensitively to your daughter, but there are so many people out there who have had to have similar conversations with their children and have survived to tell the tale so I’m sure you’ll find the best possible way of doing so. Keep being brave bit also keep being honest Mim, we’re all here cheering you on every step of the way xx

    • 18th December 2015 / 7:58 pm

      Thank you so much lovely! I keep thinking that too, I’m not the first to go through this, million do and they manage it therefore so can I! It’s a bit like childbirth, I was scared of that for a long time but I managed it perfectly fine and went back for another ha! x

  16. 16th December 2015 / 8:03 pm

    Stay strong gorgeous girl you are in all our thoughts and hearts xx

    • 18th December 2015 / 7:43 pm

      Thank thank you beautiful!! x

  17. Anna
    16th December 2015 / 8:35 pm

    Hey gorgeous thanks for your updates you really are amazing! When my mum had breast cancer and treatment 5 years ago I had wobble days and it wasn’t even me it was truly happening to!! She is cancer free now, still taking medication but all scans etc are clear, I think you are both such brave and amazing ladies – keep believing in yourself ???? Xxx

    • 18th December 2015 / 7:35 pm

      Oh thank you beautiful Anna! I am so so so so so happy for your mummy – that’s just wonderful! I’m going to beat this, it’s going to take me the best part of next year but I’ll kick it’s bum! x x x

  18. Nicole Moore
    16th December 2015 / 9:38 pm

    At the risk of sounding like a total princess, I’m with you Mim, I think that losing your hair is absolutely devastating for a girl. On a positive note, with winter approaching you can get an awesome wig (or a couple) and never have to waste time doing your hair or worrying about ‘bad hair’ days. You can just pop on your ‘perfect do’ and walk out the door.
    And for goodness sake woman, STOP Googling!!! The information is not vetted or even accurate 90% of the time and is never accurate for your specific situation. You have beaten this – your cancer has gone and you are being sensible and responsible taking extra precautions with your follow-up treatment.
    I just know – call it gut feel or intuition – but you have got this beat. Stay positive and stay strong, the treatment will be hell but keep your eye on the prize!! Love and Light Miss Mim. xx

    • 18th December 2015 / 7:35 pm

      I didn’t think it possible to love you any more – honestly Nic you have some inbuilt ability to always know the absolute perfect thing to say – thank you thank you :) I have stepped away from Google and will not be stepping back. I have a wig! It’s a bit long and needs styling so I’m going back to have it cut for me but it’s going to be so reassuring to know it’s there. You are AMAZING! x x x

  19. 20th December 2015 / 7:56 am

    From the brief period we have tweeted together, I have come to admire the amazing person that you are. Brave, kind, sweet and so much more. I have everything crossed for you lovely. Much love, Katie and alyssa

    Ps Merry Christmas sweet xx

    • 22nd December 2015 / 9:44 pm

      You are so lovely, thank you so so much for your amazing words :) x x

  20. 20th December 2015 / 11:34 am

    Wobble away, Mim. You’re amongst friends who have never met you, but still care. xx

    • 22nd December 2015 / 9:53 pm

      Oh thank you so so much lovely, I really appreciate that!! x

  21. 20th December 2015 / 6:57 pm

    Goodness, I think you’re amazing the way you’re dealing with this and writing about it too. You definitely don’t sound like you’re having a wobble!
    Congratulations on a successful lumpectomy. I hope your upcoming procedures go really well and they zap any cancerous cells that have gone rogue.
    Hope you manage to have a great Christmas despite everything. Praying for you.

    • 22nd December 2015 / 9:52 pm

      Thank you so so much Ellie! I really appreciate your prayers so so much, thank you. Have a wonderful and magical Christmas! x

  22. 21st December 2015 / 9:15 am

    Oh I am so sorry you are going through this it is crap, I know that doesn’t quantify it at all. I will be thinking about you and sending all of my positivity your way. xxx

    • 22nd December 2015 / 9:51 pm

      Thank you so much lovely and I will grab your positivity with both hands! x x

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