I’ll admit it, I’m really scared
So much has happened and is happening this week – and it’s only Tuesday!
Yesterday I had my first appointment with my Oncologist who is just amazing already. She’s so calm and caring and genuine – she works with young mums like me a lot.
Just as a side note, when I was pregnant at 34 and 36 I was considered a ‘mature mother’ by the medical profession but now I have cancer at 37, I’m considered a ‘young mother’! Yes that’s possibly the only benefit to having cancer but I’m taking it!
Did you notice I said ‘I have cancer’? It’s a bit weird really. So I’ve had my lumpectomy to remove the cancer and I got ‘clear margins’ which means they got it all.
I also had a clear lymph node biopsy, clear CT and bone scans so as far as we know, I’m cancer free. However, I have Triple Negative breast cancer which is the worst kind there is – it’s very fast-growing and it’s aggressive.
We have to be sure that the cells didn’t secretly spread.
Unfortunately, despite ongoing research, there is no targeted treatment available for this form of cancer. This is really hard for me to deal with, especially when people now assume the hard bit is all over. It isn’t.
Whilst there is no targeted treatment, the hope is that the chemo will ‘mop up’ any microscopic cancer cells that attempted to make a break for freedom and are floating somewhere around my body.
There is no guarantee that it will work but it increases my chances of anything else being stopped in its tracks.
Whilst I don’t want this post to be dismal and depressing, I do want to be honest and honestly, I’m really scared.
When I got my diagnosis, my life flashed before my eyes – but not in the way you might think. What I actually started to imagine was the life I wouldn’t have – seeing my kids grow up, growing old with my husband, you know, ‘happy’ thoughts like that.
It’s all too easy for me to go down the dark path of thinking the worst – which is what I did that day I got my diagnosis – well anyone would! That happened again yesterday and today and I stupidly started googling Triple Negative Breast Cancer again. Stupid stupid mistake and I won’t be doing that again!
So it’s a busy week. I’m seeing a Psychologist to chat about it all – I’ve decided it’s a positive thing for me to take any support offered and my Oncologist offered it to me. I’m also having a procedure at the hospital to have a port put into my chest which is where the chemo drugs will then go into. It will be there for the entire duration of the treatment but will save my other veins the trauma of being constantly poked and prodded.
A cardiovascular surgeon will do it under a general anaesthetic – bit scared about being put under again.
Then chemo starts next week. I won’t go into details of the chemo in this post, I’ll write separately about it just for those interested in the specifics of that. Anyone who isn’t interest in the details can just skip it that way :)
I’m planning on trying the cold cap during treatment (it freezes your scalp) in the hope that it prevents too much hair loss but I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I’m going to lose my hair.
That said, if one more person tells me ‘it’s just hair’ then I’ll smack them in the chops. It isn’t just hair – it’s MY hair – don’t be so flippant.
I know, I know – people don’t know what to say for the best. Just try not to say that to someone who is actually the one losing the hair and racking their brains for how to tell their 2 year old daughter why mummy’s hair is falling out. DO offer sympathy though – and distraction. And chocolate.
Right I think that’s about enough for today. I debated whether to post this as you’ll see I’m not quite my cheery self but I promise all is well. I’m still going to beat this, I’m still feeling very positive. I’m just having a wobble today.
Thank you soo sooooo much again for all of your lovely comments – I’m replying to all of them bit by bit and they’re keeping me so focused! x x